Ankündigung

Einklappen
Keine Ankündigung bisher.

do not even reply

Einklappen
X
 
  • Filter
  • Zeit
  • Anzeigen
Alles löschen
neue Beiträge

    #31
    Disguised Weapons
    Posted: 2010-02-09 06:06:07

    sehr alt, sorry sexyflash. thread kann dann geschlossen werden ...

    Kommentar


      #32
      Spoiler: 
      Original ad:
      I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
      From Me to ************@comcast.net

      Good afternoon.

      My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

      If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

      Sincerely,

      Mike Partlow

      From Kate ******** to Me

      Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

      I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

      Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

      - Kate

      From Me to Kate ********

      Kate,

      You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

      A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

      I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

      My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

      Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

      Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

      Let me know,

      Mike Partlow

      From Kate ******** to Me

      This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

      Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

      From Me to Kate ********

      Kate,

      Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

      My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

      Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

      From Kate ******** to Me

      Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


      (later, from another e-mail account)

      From Nick Walken to Kate **********

      Dear Kate,

      I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

      When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

      You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

      If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

      Nick

      From Kate ******** to Me

      what in the hell...


      :D:D:D

      Kommentar


        #33
        LeChimp postete


        :D:D:D
        haha

        Kommentar


          #34
          Geiler Typ :D

          Kommentar


            #35
            musste bei den waffen echt gut lachen :D

            Kommentar


              #36
              hahaha ich weine :D

              Kommentar


                #37
                danke für den Link, hab mich köstlichst amüsiert :D

                Kommentar


                  #38
                  Mehr Quotes Mehr Quotes losloslos :D

                  Kommentar


                    #39
                    Die fand ich auch noch ganz stark.

                    420 Friendly
                    Spoiler: 
                    Original ad:
                    26 year old female who loves music looking for friendly male concert buddy.

                    i have tickets to see STS9 tomorrow night and am looking for someone to go with me to see them. you must be 420 friendly!
                    From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

                    Dear potential concert buddy,

                    I saw your ad and am very interested. I love music. About myself, I am a 25-year-old music loving male. I see all kinds of concerts and would love to check out STS9, I'm not quite sure what kind of music that is.

                    I am not sure what you mean by 420 friendly, however. Do you live near route 420? That isn't a problem for me, since it is kind of on the way to Philly anyway. Email me back if you want to go to the show with me.

                    Thank you,

                    Tim

                    From Stacey ***** to Me

                    hi tim. i wasn't talking about route 420...you have to be "cool" if you know what I mean.

                    stacey

                    From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

                    Stacey,

                    Glad to hear back from you! Unfortunately I am a little confused. I am cool, at least my mother and co-workers say so. So if you want someone who is cool, I am your guy!

                    Tim

                    From Stacey ***** to Me

                    no i dont think you get me. you need to be down with the chronic lol. ya get me?

                    From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

                    Stacey,

                    Are you talking about Dr. Dre's album The Chronic? I love hip hop! Is that what kind of music STS9 is? I assure you that I am "down" with that album. You can play it in the car on the way to the show if you like.

                    Tim

                    From Stacey ***** to Me

                    um no...ok i dont think you are the type person i want to go to the concert with no offense

                    From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

                    Stacey,

                    I'm not sure why you suddenly decided not to go to the concert with me. I am kind of disappointed, because I just bought an ounce of headies and was looking for someone else to smoke it with. My other friend has tickets to go see bisco in Baltimore so I guess I'll just go with him.

                    Sorry we couldn't be friends,

                    Tim

                    From Stacey ***** to Me

                    wtf are you fucking serious? why were you being so dense about the 420 thing! and wtf you are seeing bisco but you never heard of sts9?

                    From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

                    I'm not sure what you mean about the "420 thing." What are you talking about?

                    From Stacey ***** to Me

                    ugh nvm


                    Basic Weapons for Kids
                    Spoiler: 
                    Original ad:
                    summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
                    must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.
                    From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

                    Hello,

                    I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

                    Thanks,

                    SSG Partlow

                    From Donna ******** to Me

                    Mr. Partlow,

                    Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

                    -Donna

                    From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

                    Donna,

                    I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

                    SSG Partlow

                    From Donna ******** to Me

                    Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

                    From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

                    Donna,

                    It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
                    SSG Partlow

                    From Donna ******** to Me

                    This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

                    I am not interested. Thanks.

                    From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

                    Donna,

                    I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

                    If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know.

                    SSG Partlow


                    European Scooter
                    Spoiler: 
                    From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

                    Hey there,

                    I saw your ad looking for a European Scooter. Are you serious? Man up and get a real bike. I am selling a '03 Harley Davidson FXDL Low Rider. This bike will get you more bitches than you will ever get with a European Scooter. In fact, all you will probably get with a European Scooter is a bunch of metrosexuals coming out of Starbucks. If you are ready to ride a badass bike, let me know if you are interested in my Harley.

                    Yours truly,

                    Tim

                    From Erin ****** to Me

                    Hi there,
                    Thanks but I'm really not looking to "man up" and therefore am rejecting your bike and therefore your pre-owned facade of "manliness." Oh, and I'm good on "bitches."

                    -Erin

                    From Timmy Tucker to Erin ******

                    Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman. You shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle anyway. I have some kitchen tools like pots and pans if you are interested. Let me know!

                    Tim


                    Couch for free
                    Spoiler: 
                    Original ad:
                    I WANT YOUR COUCH
                    IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT. WILL TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN. PLEASE SEND PICTURES. THANKS
                    From Me to **********@*********.org:

                    Hi there! You can have my couch if you are still looking for one. Let me know! You can either e-mail me or call me.

                    Mike

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    HI MIKE

                    I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
                    HOW BIG IS IT?
                    DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
                    WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANY MORE?

                    YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CANT CALL YOU.

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Juan,

                    The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people. I don't have any pictures because my camera is broken (I didn't realize it was in the garbage disposal when I turned on the switch.)

                    I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather it not be in my apartment anymore. Just give me a call and we can set up a time for you to come get it.

                    Mike

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Juan,

                    The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can't really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

                    Mike

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    NO THANKS

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
                    GROSS!

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Don't put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.

                    I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

                    And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    THAT COUCH IS FUCKED
                    THROW IT OUT!

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch? I'm sick of having to deal with people like you. I'm just trying to get rid of a decent couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!!
                    DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A FUCKING GRILL

                    From Me to Juan *********:

                    Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then? It is a CharCooker 500 and has three burners. Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really well. I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

                    From Juan ********* to Me:

                    I DONT WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!!


                    Fat Girl won't ride the bus
                    Spoiler: 
                    Original ad:
                    im looking for ride from the philadelphia area to pittsburgh next friday. i will split the cost of gas with you. I am female, and would prefer to ride with another female or young(21-ish) person.
                    From Mike Anderson to ************@*********.org

                    Hey! I am going to Pittsburgh and can give you a ride. Can you meet me at 30th St. Station 11 AM on Friday? By the way, I'm 21, so you don't have to worry about riding with some old creeper.
                    Mike

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    hey mike! that sounds good. how much do you want for gas? let me get your number so we can work out the details

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Melanie,

                    I was thinking around $70 should cover it. Unfortunately I do not have a cell phone because I accidentally forgot to take my pants off when I was taking a bath last night and forgot my cell phone was in the pocket. It won't turn on! Could you just stand outside of the west entrance with a sign that says "I'm Melanie" ? I'll look for you.

                    Mike

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    wow i wasnt expecting to pay $70! why so much? i was thinking more around 30-35 bucks! also im not standing out there with a sign lol.

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Melanie, I'm sorry but the price is not negotiable. Unfortunately the cheapest bus ticket is $70. Do you want to just meet me on the bus if you don't want to stand out there with a sign?

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    what?! i didnt want to ride a bus! i thought you were driving a car to pittsburgh. wtf dude

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Well shit Melanie, I didn't think you would be so picky about what kind of vehicle you wanted to ride in. If price is an issue, I can sneak you on the bus. I've done it before with my son. I have a duffel bag that is pretty big, and you can just hide inside it and not move and they will load you under the bus. I'll make sure that they put you on top of all the other luggage so you aren't crushed. You can have my video ipod to stay entertained during the bus ride. It has the first season of Deadwood on it. You aren't fat, are you? I don't want the bag to rip from underneath when they lift it up.

                    Mike

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    are you fucking with me? this has to be a joke. there is no fucking way im doing that

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Oh, you aren't a Deadwood fan? I think I have the Ben Affleck hit "Gigli" on my iPod if you wanted to watch that instead.

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    NO! IM NOT SNEAKING ON TO THE FUCKING BUS IN A GODDAMN SUITCASE

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Okay, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about your weight. If you can't fit in the duffel bag that's fine. I just went and ordered you the bus ticket. It is pretty much first-come first-serve for seating on the bus. You can sit next to me if you want, but I want the window seat. I also have to get up a lot to pee so you will have to get up so I can squeeze out.

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    IM NOT RIDING THE BUS! I'LL FIND ANOTHER RIDE

                    From Mike Anderson to Melanie ********
                    Well you owe me $70 for the ticket! I can't return it!

                    From Melanie ******** to Me
                    I NEVER SAID TO BUY IT! THAT IS YOUR FAULT DUDE GOODBYE

                    Kommentar


                      #40
                      omg mein hals tut weh vom lachen ='D

                      Kommentar


                        #41
                        A little help
                        Spoiler: 
                        Original ad:
                        I need someone who owns or has access to a pipe camera to inspect a sewer drain that runs from my house to a creek behind my house.. I constantly have to snake out the drain and need to see what is causing the clog. The pipe is about 50 feet long. Thanks!!

                        From Me to **********@************.org:

                        Hello,

                        Are you still looking for someone to inspect your sewage pipe?

                        Mike

                        From Ben ****** to Me:

                        Yes I am...do you have a pipe camera?

                        From Me to Ben ******:

                        Ben,

                        I don't have a pipe camera, but I do believe I have the means to help you. I am a little person (3 foot 2 inches) and think I would be able to fit down the pipe. I will not only find the problem, but I might even be able to fix it. I will gladly do this for $150 compensation.

                        Mike

                        From Ben ****** to Me:

                        You get stuck in the pipe and then I have a real problem.. No thanks.

                        From Me to Ben ******:

                        Ben,

                        I promise I will not get stuck in your pipe. I have done similar jobs for a contractor and have had nothing but positive results. If you are concerned about me getting stuck, I can bring a tub of olive oil and cover myself in it so I will not stick to anything.

                        Mike

                        From Ben ****** to Me:

                        No. The ad was for a pipe camera guy...NO MIDGETS

                        From Me to Ben ******:

                        Ben,

                        First off, we prefer to be called "little people," not "midgets." I thought your ad was simply looking for a solution to your problem, not specifically a pipe camera operator. Us little people have to deal with jerks like you all of the time, and it is very discouraging. Perhaps you should change your ad to express your hatred for little people. That way you will not waste the time of any other potential little person plumbers.

                        Mike

                        From Ben ****** to Me:

                        I'm wasting your time huh... You're wasting my time you stupid little fucker...the last thing I need is a damn midget clogging my drain. Thats right you're a MIDGET not a little person. You midgets are so touchy!

                        From Me to Ben ******:

                        Ben,

                        I am going to have to report your ad for being discriminating against little people, and for you being plain mean and hurtful. Just because we have little bodies does not mean that we have little feelings. Maybe next time you will be more considerate.

                        Mike

                        From Ben ****** to Me:

                        Go ahead you fucking midget! Hey guess what. You can come over here and suck my dick and you dont even have to sit down to do it! hahahaha!!!


                        Tree Removal Barter
                        Spoiler: 
                        Original ad:
                        i need a grille not the cole kind but the gas kind. i will barter my skill as a landscaper in turn for a good grille if u need any kind of landscape work

                        From Me to **************@***********.org:

                        Hello,

                        I saw your ad looking for a grill in exchange for your landscaping skills. Do you do tree removal? If so, there is a very expensive grill in it for you.

                        Thanks,

                        Mike

                        From josh ******* to Me:

                        yes

                        From me to josh *******:

                        Great! There is a pine tree that has been bothering me and I want it cut down. You won't have to remove it. It hasn't been a problem until about two years ago when it got much taller. My problem with it is that it is obscuring the view to my neighbor's upstairs bathroom window. I used to have a perfect view of the neighbor's wife changing in the bathroom every day. She had great tits and an ass that was out of this world. It really completed my morning whenever I caught a glimpse of her. Now that this damn pine tree is in the way, I can't see a thing.

                        If you could go onto my neighbor's property and cut the tree down while they are at work, I will let you take the grill that is outside on their patio. I'm not sure what brand it is, but it is a gigantic propane grill. It looks really nice.

                        If they ask about it, I will tell them that a huge storm happened while they were at work, and the wind blew the tree over and blew the grill away. Meanwhile you will be enjoying a delicious salisbury steak from your new grill, and I wil be enjoying my neighbor's hot wife as she steps into the shower.

                        They usually leave for work around 7:30 AM during the week, and come back home around 6:00 PM. If you could have it done before they get back on Monday, that would be great.

                        Thanks,

                        Mike

                        From josh ******* to Me:

                        wat the fuck r u smoking dude? so i cut down ur neigbors tree and u let me steal his grille. what a grate deal ass hole. how bout i just take the grille and dont cut down the tree u fuck

                        From me to josh *******:

                        You don't know where his house is, so how are you going to steal the grill? I think my information in exchange for your services is a fair trade. I'll even let you come over for a few beers afterward, and we can watch the wife in the bathroom from my bedroom window.

                        Mike

                        From josh ******* to Me:

                        i dont want a stolen grille i want a real grille u retard wat da fuck is ur problem. and i dont give a shit bout naked neigbor u fuckin perv

                        From me to josh *******:

                        I assure you that this grill is real. By cutting down the tree, you are earning the grill and it will not be stolen. Also, if seeing a naked woman isn't your thing, you could probably catch the husband changing in the bathroom as well. I won't be watching, but I'm not one to judge your lifestyle.

                        Mike

                        From josh ******* to Me:

                        ur the fagot u dick sucking fuck fag cock sucker!! eat a fuckin dick u piece of shitt!!!


                        Unreliable Pet Sitter
                        Spoiler: 

                        Original ad:
                        Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary - email to discuss.
                        From Me to **********@**********.org

                        Hey,

                        I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

                        Mike

                        From Jennifer ********* to Me:

                        Hi Mike,

                        Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

                        - Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
                        - What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
                        - Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

                        My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

                        Jenny

                        From Me to Jennifer *********:

                        Jenny,

                        I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

                        The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

                        I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

                        When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

                        Mike

                        From Jennifer ********* to Me:

                        What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!

                        From Me to Jennifer *********:

                        Jenny,

                        Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes.

                        If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

                        I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

                        Mike

                        From Jennifer ********* to Me:

                        I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!

                        From Me to Jennifer *********:

                        Jenny,

                        Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

                        Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.

                        If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

                        Mike

                        From Jennifer ********* to Me:

                        No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

                        From Me to Jennifer *********:

                        Jenny,

                        When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

                        Mike

                        From Jennifer ********* to Me:

                        Don't you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!


                        Xbox Repairman
                        Spoiler: 
                        Original ad:
                        Broken Xbox 360? Red ring of death? Disc-read error? No problem! We repair broken Xbox 360s for $50 or less. Call or email ***-***-2811 or **********@comcast.net
                        From Me to **********@comcast.net:

                        Hello,

                        I sure hope you will be able to help me. I'm not sure what is wrong with my Xbox but it will not turn on. I've tried plugging it in to a bunch of different outlets, but none of them seem to work. Do you think you can help?

                        Thanks,

                        Mike

                        From Dean ****** to Me:

                        Hi Mike,

                        The outlet most likely has nothing to do with why your system won't turn on.

                        I certainly can help you though. I will rectify your xbox and can have it back to you in a week or so depending on the problem. Do you live in the area or would you like to ship the console?

                        Dean

                        From Me to Dean ******:

                        Oh my god, you are sick! I will not let you do that unspeakable act to my Xbox. I always knew that the internet is full of freaks and sexual deviants, but you have reached a new low. I thought your ad was for Xbox repairs, but I have been horribly mistaken.

                        From Dean ****** to Me:

                        Mike,

                        I'm not sure what you think I was saying. To rectify is to repair or mend something that is broken. I was only trying to tell you that I would repair your Xbox. I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

                        Dean

                        From Me to Dean ******:

                        Dean,

                        Don't lie to me. I know what rectify means, and the fact that you want to do it with an Xbox is disgusting. I can't even imagine how it is possible to do it with something that big, or what kind of pleasure that could possibly bring to a pervert like you. Regardless, I want my Xbox to be fixed, not to be violated and returned to me covered in ass hairs and feces. I will just mail it back to where I bought it and hope that the warranty is not void.

                        Mike

                        From Dean ****** to Me:

                        You clearly don't know the definition of rectify. I assure you I only want to fix your system.

                        From Me to Dean ******:

                        Dean,

                        I don't even want to know what you mean by "fix my system." Leave me alone before I call the police, you pervert.

                        Mike

                        From Dean ****** to Me:

                        I mean I am going to solve the problem that is causing your Xbox 360 to not turn on. That is all.

                        From Me to Dean ******:

                        Dean,

                        Even if you did return it to me and it worked, I would never be able to look at my Xbox the same way. There will always be the thought in the back of my mind that you took it and violated it.

                        I am going to post an ad warning other unsuspecting victims about the true disgusting motive behind your ad. What you are doing is sick.

                        Mike

                        From Dean ****** to Me:

                        If you do that then I will post an ad explaining that you are a fucking idiot that doesn't know what "rectify" means. Go fuck yourself.


                        Wood Chipper Rental
                        Spoiler: 

                        Original ad:
                        670cc commercial wood chipper/shredder for sale. Little bit of rust but works great. Contact Joe - ***********@gmail.com
                        $4000 OBO
                        From Me to ***********@gmail.com:

                        Hi Joe,

                        Is the wood chipper still for sale?

                        Thanks,

                        Mike

                        From Joe ****** to Me:

                        Yes, I still have the wood chipper.

                        From Me to Joe ******:

                        I don't have $4000, but what I do have is $200 and a need for use of a wood chipper for about half an hour. Would I be able to rent it from you for $200?

                        Mike

                        From Joe ****** to Me:

                        I don't see why not. What are you using it for?

                        From Me to Joe ******:

                        Don't worry about that. So would I be able to swing by and pick it up in my truck, then bring it back about an hour later? I can leave my driver's license as collateral.

                        Mike

                        From Joe ****** to Me:

                        First you need to tell me what the chipper is being used for or you can find someone else.

                        From Me to Joe ******:

                        Okay, I'll try to explain my situation. My cat just had a litter of kittens, and I can't get rid of them. I tried giving them to my friends and putting ads online, but nobody wants them. I even tried releasing them into the wild but they keep coming back to my house. I can't stand these little fuckers pissing everywhere and clawing up my furniture. So I figure my next option is to put them down. I can't afford to have it done professionally, so I think a wood chipper would be the next most humane way. I looked up your model and saw it has a 6 inch input, which I think will be perfect for me.

                        Mike

                        From Joe ****** to Me:

                        .......................................wow. No.

                        From Me to Joe ******:

                        Why not? It is an easy $200 for you. Can't you just pretend I took it to mulch some wood?

                        Mike

                        From Joe ****** to Me:

                        No. You are a sick sick sick sick sick person.

                        From Me to Joe ******:

                        I'll give you $250 and throw in a free kitten (not mulched, of course). Plus, I thought about my plan some more, and I decided to put meow mix all around the input, and just leave the kittens near it. That way, if they get shredded, it is their own damn fault, and my hands are clean.

                        Mike



                        Vegan Housemate
                        Spoiler: 
                        Original ad:
                        Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.

                        My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.

                        If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.
                        From Me to ***********@***********.org:

                        Hey,

                        I saw your ad, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?

                        Mike

                        From Joanna ******** to Me:

                        Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?

                        From Me to Joanna ********:

                        Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.

                        Mike

                        From Joanna ******** to Me:

                        You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.

                        From Me to Joanna ********:

                        Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to bitch to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.

                        Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don't worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn't have to be registered.

                        From Joanna ******** to Me:

                        Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything else because you aren't going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You're argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You're clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don't hunt, idiot.

                        From Me to Joanna ********:

                        C'mon, it isn't like I'm eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer shit - they shit everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer shit because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I'm just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I'm not eating them, so relax. I still don't eat chicken or burgers or any of that shit. You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I'm looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.

                        From Joanna ******** to Me:

                        YOU'RE NOT A VEGAN!

                        From Joanna ******** to Me:

                        Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn't make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won't be living at my apartment so give it up.

                        From Me to Joanna ********:

                        Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you.



                        Christmas Dinner
                        Spoiler: 
                        Original ad:
                        we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
                        From Me to ************@*********.org:

                        Hello,

                        I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

                        Thanks,

                        Michael

                        From Brian ******* to Me:

                        michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

                        From Me to Brian *******:

                        Brian,

                        Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

                        La Nouille du Triomphe
                        A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

                        Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
                        A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

                        Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
                        A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

                        Le Sandwich Rouge
                        A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

                        Dessert

                        Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
                        A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

                        La Pâtisserie Bourrée
                        Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

                        Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

                        Thank you,
                        Michael

                        From Brian ******* to Me:

                        what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

                        From Me to Brian *******:

                        Brian,

                        The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

                        Michael

                        From Brian ******* to Me:

                        cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

                        From Me to Brian *******:

                        Brian,

                        I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

                        Michael



                        omg zu was langeweile führt oO. Falls interesse mach ich nachher noch weiter.

                        Kommentar


                          #42
                          Spoiler: 

                          If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

                          I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.


                          they think it is a vase :D:D:D

                          Kommentar


                            #43
                            sau geil der Kerl.

                            Kommentar


                              #44
                              instant lachflash :'D

                              Kommentar


                                #45
                                Ahahahahaha wie ich nach den Waffen am Boden lag ey :D
                                Morgen mal genauer anschauen, wie geil ey :>

                                Kommentar

                                Lädt...
                                X